


Looking To The Future

by Curlew



Series: Shhh....Hutch is sleeping.... [4]
Category: Starsky and Hutch - Fandom
Genre: Episode related The Plague, M/M, h/c
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27827380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curlew/pseuds/Curlew
Summary: Another droopy sick Hutch story. But with a nod to the future.
Relationships: Starsky/Hutch
Series: Shhh....Hutch is sleeping.... [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881331
Kudos: 12





	Looking To The Future

It was almost worse now. When he had been at his sickest, he had barely known what was going on. He was in a world of pain and fever-sometimes conscious, sometimes not. People did things to him that hurt, but he neither knew nor cared what they were and he had no sense of passing time. Now, everyone assured him that he was getting better, and would be well again “soon”, but he still felt like shit, with the added bonus of awareness, so now, before they did painful or embarrassing things to him, he had to listen to them explaining, and even asking his permission.Then he had been vaguely conscious of being moved, of different sorts of hurt. Now they explained-again- how his body wasn’t functioning properly yet, and that was fine- he was just to relax while they washed him or gave him an enema, or attended to his catheter or did something else humiliating. How he wasn’t to worry at all when his first attempt to eat had resulted in him suddenly vomiting over himself and the bed-they’d have him cleaned up in no time. How this or that would just hurt for a minute- there, all done.

And the indescribable tedium of it all. He didn’t have the eyesight for television or the concentration for books. He had magazines and cards and paper and pens and drawing things all mocking him from the night stand. Minnie sent him a particularly repellent jigsaw of a kitten with a bow, and a nurse offered to bring him a spare table to set it up on. Later, he had to shamefacedly apologize for his response and her sweet forgiveness made him want to smash the windows. Most visitors either jangled or exhausted him, and were chased out by his nurses after only a few minutes. Edith’s motherly presence was soothing, but she was a busy woman and could only pop in occasionally. And Dobey himself, doing his duty by his officer, was, as always, reduced by the hospital to a stilted parody of himself. Starsky was back at work now Hutch was officially no longer dying, and he missed him with an almost visceral longing. But when he did come, as he did faithfully every day, bringing presents and treats and gossip, he scratched at him, and tried to pick fights. Starsky was infinitely patient, which made it worse. He took what Hutch dished out with a frustrating good humour, so Hutch dished more in a mission to make himself as unloveable as he felt himself to be.

Then one day, Starsky arrived to find him crying.

“Aw, buddy- what’s wrong? You hurting? Shall I get someone?”

“No, no, Starsk-don’t. I just ...I don’t know. I just hate...”

“What?”

“Everything. This. Myself... I’m being such a shit”

Starsky gave a breath of laughter.

“Who you upset this time?

“Jace”

“Jace? You upset Jace? Jesus, I didn’t think that was even possible! You’re really at the top of your game, partner! No, don’t turn away- we need to talk about this. You’ve got the nurses drawing lots to be the one to fill up your water pitcher...loser does it. And......aww, come here, babe”

Starsky gathered Hutch into his arms and held him through a storm of weeping. At last, the storm abated and he drew breath, tear stained and embarrassed. 

“Fuck me, Starsk, I’m sorry- that caught me by surprise..”

Starsky pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to him.

“Here, mop up. You want some water?”

He took the glass in a shaking hand and drank, then moved to pull away.

“Ah-ah, you stay right there- that’s why God invented shoulders. And when you’re ready, tell me how you’re feeling. Not physically- all that boring, icky stuff- I know that. What’s going on in your head?”

Hutch resisted for a moment, then settled back with a sigh.

“I’m so tired, Starsk. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I’m still tired”

“I know you are. Jace said you would be-something to do with your spleen and your blood count. He said it’ll take a while to build back up again”

“And I’m tired of being sick. I want to......”

“What do you want to do?” 

“My world’s got so small. I want.. to run. I want to run along the beach until I’m at Santa Clara Point and I can’t run another step and then fall into the sea and swim in the waves and let them throw me back onto the sand. I want to be strong. I want to go to Tahoe and ski all the black runs. I want to chase down a perp through an alleyway full of dumpsters and boxes. I want to go to bed with someone on a Friday night and not get up til It’s time for Sunday brunch......”

Exhausted from crying, his voice trailed off. Starsky grinned. 

“That sounds interesting. Who with?”

All inhibitions down, unthinking, Hutch said

“You”

It was as if, just for a moment, the world stopped turning, then started again but in the other direction. With a supreme effort, Starsky didn’t move. Hutch, feeling like ice water was running down his spine, realised that the secret thought was now out in the open for ever. After what felt like a year, he said, 

“You got your time machine handy? Mind taking us back five minutes?”

Silence. Another year passed.

“I’m sorry, Starsky- I really didn’t mean that. Can we blame this virus?”

“Didn’t you? You sounded as if you did” 

“Guess we can’t forget it, huh?”

‘Hutch, we’ve never really talked about you.......you....”

“Liking to fuck men sometimes? Don’t look like that, Starsk- that’s what I’m doing. Thats’s what you saw that time when...”

“When I walked in on you and John?”

“Yeah. We weren’t making love-we were fucking”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Hutch sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment, bracing himself to destroy the most important thing in his life.

“Guess the genie’s out of the bottle, huh? Truth time. OK, here goes. Once I met and got to know you, I didn’t want to ever make love to another man. Yes, sometimes I fuck them. But my love? That’s yours. Has been since I first met you. Always will be. Simple as” 

With a bleakness in his heart, Hutch savoured his last moments in Starsky’s arms, breathing in the sandalwood and leather smell of him, then pushed away. Incredibly, the arms tightened.

“Where you going?”

“Didn’t you hear what I said?”

“Yeah, and I got to be honest- it’s kind of a shock. But it doesn’t make a difference to us- to me and thee- unless you want it to, does it?”

“But I thought you....”

“Hutch, we’ve always loved each other. We know how to do it. We’re good at it. I love you with my brain and my heart and my soul if I’ve got one. I’m just not sure how my body feels about it.”

Hutch laughed shakily.

“If you’re offering three of four I’ll take it”

“You already got it. Will that do for now?”

“For now?”

Starsky leant forward to rest his head gently on Hutch’s gold silk hair.

“Partner, we’ve got a lot of thinking and talking to do. And I think we need to wait til we’re both running on all cylinders again. You’ve known about this for seven years- you need to give me a chance to catch up. So you just get comfy, lean back against me and see if you can sleep for a while before someone comes in to poke you with something. The sooner you get better, the sooner we can make that trip to Tahoe. You can go off and risk your neck on the black runs in the morniing, and in the afternoons you can teach me to ski. And in the evenings we can sit by the fire in a log cabin, drink a little wine and talk about the future”


End file.
